Tik Tok is a horrible song. Horrible. You "brush your teeth with a bottle of Jack?" "Everybody gettin' crunk, crunk/Boys tryin' to touch my junk, junk?" This is painful. I know you've suggested that critics not take your lyrics seriously -- believe me, sweetie, no one does. That's no excuse for letting this song ever escape the inside of your head (or, if you're the sort who sings in the shower, the confines of your bathroom). It needs a serious upgrade -- some depth, proper spelling, interesting content.... Good thing I'm volunteering to help you fix it! We can work on it together, one line at a time. I'm game if you are!
To give anyone unfamiliar with your song a refresher course, they can go and lose three minutes and thirty-five seconds of their lives on YouTube watching the official music video here.
To anyone I just sent there, I am so sorry. I hope what follows makes up for it. Here we go, from the top!
Tick Tock (A Day in the Life of a Writer)
Wake up in the morning feeling like A. Huxley!
Grab my glasses, I'm in the kitchen gonna make some coffee!
When it's brewed, I park my butt at my living room desk,
Cuz once my mind is on my writing it ain't coming back!
I'm talking nonlinear fictional prose, prose,
Subverting various tropes, tropes,
Fine-tuning my different tones, tones!
Brainstorming, trying out new character names,
Limericks are fun and games,
The dirty ones are all the same!
Don't stop with the plot,
Villains blow my settings up!
Tonight Imma write
'Til I see the sunlight!
Tick tock on the clock
but the typing don't stop, no!
I keep forgetting to eat lunch but I've got lots of ideas,
Haven't put on shoes in two days but my plot's getting clearer.
And now the plot arc's lining up, cuz my brainwave is gold,
My heroine's down with it, but my villain ain't sold!
I'm talking about pastiches of Pratchett's Discworld, Discworld,
Establishing a compelling mythos, mythos,
Gonna see what emotions I can evoke, evoke!
Glued to my Word doc 'til I'm pried off, off,
or the writer's block shuts me down, down,
Writer's block shuts me down, down,
writer's block shuts me - !
Don't stop with the plot,
Villains blow my settings up!
Tonight Imma write,
'Til I see the sunlight!
Tick tock on the clock,
But the typing don't stop, no!
Don't stop with the plot,
Villains blow my settings up!
Tonight Imma write,
'Til I see the sunlight!
Tick tock on the clock,
But the typing don't stop, no!
I type it in,
I hit backspace,
My heart it pounds,
Yeah I got this,
My fingers flying,
I got this now,
I got this story,
Yeah I got this.
I type it up,
I hit backspace,
My heart it pounds,
Yeah I got this,
My fingers flying,
I write like mad,
I write like mad!
Now the writing don't start 'til I hit "Open!"
Don't stop with the plot,
Villains blow my settings up!
Tonight Imma write,
'Til I see the sunlight!
Tick tock on the clock,
But the typing don't stop, no!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Dear Crazy Fictional Bookworms, Keep On Being Awesome
I remember my first fictional role model. I met her when I was five years old and newly transplanted from Palo Alto to a tiny town on the Central Coast of California. My parents introduced us one evening when they popped in a VHS tape for the three of us to watch together.
Her name was Belle, and I wanted to grow up to be just like her. Watching her stroll down the village street with her nose in a book was enthralling to a child not yet in kindergarten. Belle was a brilliant, opinionated, starry-eyed dreamer who could read books faster than anyone she knew and wielded her fearsomely large vocabulary as a weapon against Cro Magnon throwbacks like Gaston with wit and verve. She was startling. She was refreshing. She was my absolute unchallenged hero.
Belle was unlike any other Disney princess I'd previously encountered. There was a distinct lack of a "helpless female" aura lingering about her. Unlike Aurora or Snow White, she didn't need rescuing from a wicked old crone by a handsome prince. Unlike Ariel, she didn't sacrifice a key part of what made her unique or wonderful for the sake of a man she hardly knew. Unlike Jasmine, she didn't blindly follow the mysterious male stranger around despite harboring doubts about his sincerity. Bell was special. Belle had spirit. When her jerk of a captor/host/love interest made demands, she put her dainty foot down and said, "Like heck! Try some manners next time, you overgrown mop!"
Or something along those lines. It's been a while since I've seen the movie, and the lines have faded from mind (though with some prompting I have no doubt I could sing along to every song on the soundtrack), but there are three lessons I took away from Beauty and the Beast. The first two were learned upon my first viewing, and were easily grasped by my childish mind. The first was that if I ever had more money than I knew what to do with, I was building myself a library like the one that the Beast gave Belle (which, even back then, struck me as the most romantic gesture ever). The second was that the reason Belle was so much more interesting than the other Disney princesses was that Belle was smart, and Belle was smart because she loved to read, so therefore I should read as well so that I might be smart and interesting, too.
The third reason is one that I wish I could have learned as a child, but it's an "older and wiser" retrospective sort of lesson. The thing that really makes Belle better than all the other Disney princesses that came before her is that she is happy before she meets the Beast. She. Is. Happy. Single. This is the most striking difference between Belle and her predecessors: where they all seem to need love or marriage or romance to be complete, Belle is already a complete and happy person when she's introduced to the audience. This is my third lesson: be happy with who you are when you're by yourself. If you can be happy single and you find someone who makes you happier as a part of a duo, good for you.
Belle was the impetus I needed to turn me from a dabbler in the shallow end of the library pool to a deep sea diver with a wide range of reading interests. Every week without fail my mother would take me to one of the local library branches, and I would fly to the bookshelves, pulling off new releases, old classics, poetry collections, nonfiction books, books on handicrafts, science fiction and fantasy novels, young adult books, biographies, short story anthologies, even (though I hardly liked to admit it) the young reader books aimed at the first and second grade target audience such as myself. I'd stagger up to the counter under the weight of all the books clutched in my arms, the pile stretching from my interlocked fingers all the way to my chin. I'd often need to recruit my mother to carry a few for me if my burden was too cumbersome.
"Back so soon?" the librarian would invariably say, and my mother would laugh and point to the piles of books we'd dropped off on our way in. The librarian would laugh as well, and when she asked for my library card I would hand it over as if passing off a blank key that the librarian was having cut to match the keys to Fort Knox. Half of my books would go on my card; my mother would put the rest on hers. She'd make small talk with the librarian while I fidgeted impatiently and waited for my books to be handed over. "See you next week!" one of us would always cheerfully say. Then I'd be buckled into the passenger seat of the van with my books piled around my feet, tempting fate and carsickness by cracking open the first book before we even pulled out of the parking lot.
It's hard to believe that a movie character could have done so much to influence how much books would come to define my life, but every little girl needs a fictional role model to inspire her. I got lucky when I picked the "funny girl" of the Disney princess pantheon. Belle satisfied my fictional bookworm inspiration until I was too old for Disney movies -- and by that time, I'd discovered a remarkable series of books by a woman named J.K. Rowling who wrote about a stubborn and opinionated bookworm named Hermione Granger....
But that gleeful character love can wait for another post. After all, someone as utterly and amazingly cool as Hermione deserves her own essay.
Her name was Belle, and I wanted to grow up to be just like her. Watching her stroll down the village street with her nose in a book was enthralling to a child not yet in kindergarten. Belle was a brilliant, opinionated, starry-eyed dreamer who could read books faster than anyone she knew and wielded her fearsomely large vocabulary as a weapon against Cro Magnon throwbacks like Gaston with wit and verve. She was startling. She was refreshing. She was my absolute unchallenged hero.
Belle was unlike any other Disney princess I'd previously encountered. There was a distinct lack of a "helpless female" aura lingering about her. Unlike Aurora or Snow White, she didn't need rescuing from a wicked old crone by a handsome prince. Unlike Ariel, she didn't sacrifice a key part of what made her unique or wonderful for the sake of a man she hardly knew. Unlike Jasmine, she didn't blindly follow the mysterious male stranger around despite harboring doubts about his sincerity. Bell was special. Belle had spirit. When her jerk of a captor/host/love interest made demands, she put her dainty foot down and said, "Like heck! Try some manners next time, you overgrown mop!"
Or something along those lines. It's been a while since I've seen the movie, and the lines have faded from mind (though with some prompting I have no doubt I could sing along to every song on the soundtrack), but there are three lessons I took away from Beauty and the Beast. The first two were learned upon my first viewing, and were easily grasped by my childish mind. The first was that if I ever had more money than I knew what to do with, I was building myself a library like the one that the Beast gave Belle (which, even back then, struck me as the most romantic gesture ever). The second was that the reason Belle was so much more interesting than the other Disney princesses was that Belle was smart, and Belle was smart because she loved to read, so therefore I should read as well so that I might be smart and interesting, too.
The third reason is one that I wish I could have learned as a child, but it's an "older and wiser" retrospective sort of lesson. The thing that really makes Belle better than all the other Disney princesses that came before her is that she is happy before she meets the Beast. She. Is. Happy. Single. This is the most striking difference between Belle and her predecessors: where they all seem to need love or marriage or romance to be complete, Belle is already a complete and happy person when she's introduced to the audience. This is my third lesson: be happy with who you are when you're by yourself. If you can be happy single and you find someone who makes you happier as a part of a duo, good for you.
Belle was the impetus I needed to turn me from a dabbler in the shallow end of the library pool to a deep sea diver with a wide range of reading interests. Every week without fail my mother would take me to one of the local library branches, and I would fly to the bookshelves, pulling off new releases, old classics, poetry collections, nonfiction books, books on handicrafts, science fiction and fantasy novels, young adult books, biographies, short story anthologies, even (though I hardly liked to admit it) the young reader books aimed at the first and second grade target audience such as myself. I'd stagger up to the counter under the weight of all the books clutched in my arms, the pile stretching from my interlocked fingers all the way to my chin. I'd often need to recruit my mother to carry a few for me if my burden was too cumbersome.
"Back so soon?" the librarian would invariably say, and my mother would laugh and point to the piles of books we'd dropped off on our way in. The librarian would laugh as well, and when she asked for my library card I would hand it over as if passing off a blank key that the librarian was having cut to match the keys to Fort Knox. Half of my books would go on my card; my mother would put the rest on hers. She'd make small talk with the librarian while I fidgeted impatiently and waited for my books to be handed over. "See you next week!" one of us would always cheerfully say. Then I'd be buckled into the passenger seat of the van with my books piled around my feet, tempting fate and carsickness by cracking open the first book before we even pulled out of the parking lot.
It's hard to believe that a movie character could have done so much to influence how much books would come to define my life, but every little girl needs a fictional role model to inspire her. I got lucky when I picked the "funny girl" of the Disney princess pantheon. Belle satisfied my fictional bookworm inspiration until I was too old for Disney movies -- and by that time, I'd discovered a remarkable series of books by a woman named J.K. Rowling who wrote about a stubborn and opinionated bookworm named Hermione Granger....
But that gleeful character love can wait for another post. After all, someone as utterly and amazingly cool as Hermione deserves her own essay.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Dear Crazy Conservatives, Stop it with the Bigoted Dickery Already
Although I wish it hadn't taken a mob of shrieking racist hooligans to do it, I'm glad that Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) is now condemning the racial epithets hurled at Representatives John Lewis (D-GA) and Andre Carson (D-IN). While I disagree with his political views, he is the ONLY ranking Republican currently serving a term in office to make a blanket statement condemning racist remarks without watering it down by calling these "isolated incidents" (I am looking at you, John Boehner). Tea Party protesters are now gunning for his seat, and he's on the RINOhunt.net watch list. Great. We finally get a Republican lawmaker with the stones to say, "Racial epithets are not a part of conservatism, they're part of bigotry," and the Tea Party protesters want to oust him? If making a statement like that makes him a Republican In Name Only, then I don't want to know the inner workings of a "real Republican's" mind.
In response to the Tea Party protesters who spewed hate speech at lawmakers on Sunday, John Boehner made the rounds on television claiming that these were isolated incidents. From Politico: '"Well, listen, there were some isolated incidents on the Hill yesterday that were reprehensible and should not have happened,” the Ohio Republican said. “But let's not let a few isolated incidents get in the way of the fact that millions of Americans are scared to death. And millions of Americans want no part of this growing size of government here in Washington."'
This is both a truth and a lie. The truth is that millions of Americans are scared to death -- and guess how they got that way? They didn't just wake up one morning, take a measured and objective look at the facts, and come to the completely reasonable conclusion that they should be scared pantsless. This sort of over the top, paranoid, violent lunacy is the result of years of hardliner conservatives using hyperbolic rhetoric and shameless scare tactics as their go-to campaign strategy. It's thanks to the Rush Limbaughs and Glenn Becks and Greta Van Susterens and Sean Hannitys of the news media, who every day tell their listeners and viewers in ominous tones that a terrible communist dystopian future lies just around the corner, and that they have good reason to fear. It's because the people who have emerged as the voices and faces of the conservative movement seem to be living and reacting as if that communist dystopian future were already a reality.
Boehner's lie is no less a classic political sidestep than his truth. Isolated incidents, indeed. The truth of the matter is that the people who make up the Tea Party movement are the same people who bought into the ridiculous "Obama is a secret Muslim" conspiracy that was tossed around during the 2008 presidential campaign. They are the ones who jumped on board the "birther" conspiracy train in the hopes that it would make President Obama ineligible to hold office. They're the ones who swallowed Palin and McCaughey's tall tales about "death panels." Many think he's racist. Most believe he's a socialist, a communist, a Marxist, a fascist, or some combination therein. A significant number believe he's doing "many of the things that Hitler did." And -- get this -- a full 24 percent of Republicans believe that President Obama "may be" the Antichrist. This is not a mentality that lends itself to isolated incidents.
So here is the Tea Party as it stands today. It is a large and loosely organized band of United States citizens. They are predominately white, middle aged men. There are Tea Parties in every state, but red states contribute a disproportionately higher number of Tea Party members. They are very, very conservative. They want Congress to take its collective hands "off my Medicare!" because they have no concept of irony, or of how to do basic research. Thanks to Glenn Beck's crazy revisionist history lessons, they're convinced that socialism, fascism, and communism are all interchangeable. They make death threats against members of Congress who vote contrary to what they want. They make death threats against the children of the members of Congress. They fax pictures of nooses -- of nooses -- to black members of Congress, knowing full well the atrocity that is the history of lynching in America. They spit on black members of Congress as they walk past. They shout ni**er as black members of Congress walk by, knowing the tumultuous history of race relations in our country and in particular the despicable and dehumanizing background behind the use of that word. They call one of the few openly gay members of Congress a fa**ot -- perhaps not knowing that the history behind the epithet is a direct reference to burning gays alive -- revealing, once again, the Right's deep-seated and entrenched homophobia.
Before Rick Santelli's infamous televised freakout launched the movement that would provide paranoid, violent bigots a legitimate voice in the public arena, I viewed Fox News as the Republican news station. After the Tea Party movement really got going, I had to stop and reconsider. Fox's opinion news is decidedly conservative, and despite what Roger Ailes says, their regular news programs have a distinctly conservative slant to them as well. But when Fox and Friends hosts compare fictive liberal death threats against Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh to the very real threats against Democratic lawmakers on their show, and an article on the Fox News website calls into question the veracity of reports that Tea Party Protesters hurled racist and homophobic epithets at Congressmen Sunday, and even accused Barney Frank (D-NY) of inciting it (of course, blame the feisty gay man), it is clear that they are not the mouthpiece of the Republican party, but of the lunatic fringe Tea Party. It is inescapably clear that they are incapable of even attempting to provide balanced news coverage, as evidenced by the infatuation Fox News hosts have with Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN), former Republican Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska, and racist "let's bring back the literacy tests" former Republican Congressman Tom Tancredo of Colorado, to name a few.
So much for the "loyal opposition."
A final thought. Representative Devin Nunes, I get that sometimes it is necessary to play to your base. I really, really get that. I've been paying attention to the messy and complicated games you politicians play for years, and I understand that occasionally you lot will make statements to shore up support from the constituents who voted you in. You have to toe the party line, or be firmly behind it. But really, Congressman. Was this the battle to pick? Of all the ways to pander to the Tea Party vote, you chose to defend their right to call John Lewis and Andre Carson ni**ers? This is how you want history to remember you?
It is your great privilege to be able to serve in Congress with John Lewis and James Clyburn. These men are heroes of the Civil Rights movement. It is thanks to their contributions, and the contributions of thousands of other men, women and children, that segregation of the races is no longer lawful or tolerated. It is thanks to them, and others like them, that "separate but equal" is no longer the standard in this country. Whether you agree or disagree with their political views, the fact of the matter is that their victory was hard won, and fought not only on their own behalf, but on mine and yours and our entire nation's. You owe them not only an apology, but your thanks.
Sincerely,
Bibliovore
Sources:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/mcclatchy/20100320/pl_mcclatchy/3457015
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/20/tea-party-protests-nier-f_n_507116.html
http://www.salon.com/news/lindsey_graham/index.html?story=/politics/war_room/2010/03/25/graham
http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0310/34763.html#ixzz0jD3OnfsU
http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2010-03-22/scary-new-gop-poll/?cid=hp:beastoriginalsL3
http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2010/03/22/tea-party-protesters-dispute-reports-slurs-spitting-dem-lawmakers/
http://tpmlivewire.talkingpointsmemo.com/2010/03/rep-nunes-on-epithets-when-you-use-totalitarian-tactics-people-act-crazy-video.php
http://chattahbox.com/us/2010/03/21/teapartiers-ignore-reality-seek-truth-from-beck-and-fox-news/
http://blogs.alternet.org/notsohumble/2010/03/22/racism-homophobia-dominates-tea-party-protest-over-health-care-bill/
http://blogs.alternet.org/speakeasy/2010/02/17/surprise-tea-partiers-mostly-rich-white-christian-guys/
http://www.truthout.org/racism-homophobia-dominates-tea-party-protest-over-health-care-bill57855
http://current.com/news/92337052_clyburn-racist-faxes-image-of-noose-were-sent-to-office.htm
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/25/health/policy/25health.html
http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2010/3/23/849747/-Rep.-Louise-Slaughters
In response to the Tea Party protesters who spewed hate speech at lawmakers on Sunday, John Boehner made the rounds on television claiming that these were isolated incidents. From Politico: '"Well, listen, there were some isolated incidents on the Hill yesterday that were reprehensible and should not have happened,” the Ohio Republican said. “But let's not let a few isolated incidents get in the way of the fact that millions of Americans are scared to death. And millions of Americans want no part of this growing size of government here in Washington."'
This is both a truth and a lie. The truth is that millions of Americans are scared to death -- and guess how they got that way? They didn't just wake up one morning, take a measured and objective look at the facts, and come to the completely reasonable conclusion that they should be scared pantsless. This sort of over the top, paranoid, violent lunacy is the result of years of hardliner conservatives using hyperbolic rhetoric and shameless scare tactics as their go-to campaign strategy. It's thanks to the Rush Limbaughs and Glenn Becks and Greta Van Susterens and Sean Hannitys of the news media, who every day tell their listeners and viewers in ominous tones that a terrible communist dystopian future lies just around the corner, and that they have good reason to fear. It's because the people who have emerged as the voices and faces of the conservative movement seem to be living and reacting as if that communist dystopian future were already a reality.
Boehner's lie is no less a classic political sidestep than his truth. Isolated incidents, indeed. The truth of the matter is that the people who make up the Tea Party movement are the same people who bought into the ridiculous "Obama is a secret Muslim" conspiracy that was tossed around during the 2008 presidential campaign. They are the ones who jumped on board the "birther" conspiracy train in the hopes that it would make President Obama ineligible to hold office. They're the ones who swallowed Palin and McCaughey's tall tales about "death panels." Many think he's racist. Most believe he's a socialist, a communist, a Marxist, a fascist, or some combination therein. A significant number believe he's doing "many of the things that Hitler did." And -- get this -- a full 24 percent of Republicans believe that President Obama "may be" the Antichrist. This is not a mentality that lends itself to isolated incidents.
So here is the Tea Party as it stands today. It is a large and loosely organized band of United States citizens. They are predominately white, middle aged men. There are Tea Parties in every state, but red states contribute a disproportionately higher number of Tea Party members. They are very, very conservative. They want Congress to take its collective hands "off my Medicare!" because they have no concept of irony, or of how to do basic research. Thanks to Glenn Beck's crazy revisionist history lessons, they're convinced that socialism, fascism, and communism are all interchangeable. They make death threats against members of Congress who vote contrary to what they want. They make death threats against the children of the members of Congress. They fax pictures of nooses -- of nooses -- to black members of Congress, knowing full well the atrocity that is the history of lynching in America. They spit on black members of Congress as they walk past. They shout ni**er as black members of Congress walk by, knowing the tumultuous history of race relations in our country and in particular the despicable and dehumanizing background behind the use of that word. They call one of the few openly gay members of Congress a fa**ot -- perhaps not knowing that the history behind the epithet is a direct reference to burning gays alive -- revealing, once again, the Right's deep-seated and entrenched homophobia.
So much for the "loyal opposition."
A final thought. Representative Devin Nunes, I get that sometimes it is necessary to play to your base. I really, really get that. I've been paying attention to the messy and complicated games you politicians play for years, and I understand that occasionally you lot will make statements to shore up support from the constituents who voted you in. You have to toe the party line, or be firmly behind it. But really, Congressman. Was this the battle to pick? Of all the ways to pander to the Tea Party vote, you chose to defend their right to call John Lewis and Andre Carson ni**ers? This is how you want history to remember you?
It is your great privilege to be able to serve in Congress with John Lewis and James Clyburn. These men are heroes of the Civil Rights movement. It is thanks to their contributions, and the contributions of thousands of other men, women and children, that segregation of the races is no longer lawful or tolerated. It is thanks to them, and others like them, that "separate but equal" is no longer the standard in this country. Whether you agree or disagree with their political views, the fact of the matter is that their victory was hard won, and fought not only on their own behalf, but on mine and yours and our entire nation's. You owe them not only an apology, but your thanks.
Sincerely,
Bibliovore
Sources:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/mcclatchy/20100320/pl_mcclatchy/3457015
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/20/tea-party-protests-nier-f_n_507116.html
http://www.salon.com/news/lindsey_graham/index.html?story=/politics/war_room/2010/03/25/graham
http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0310/34763.html#ixzz0jD3OnfsU
http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2010-03-22/scary-new-gop-poll/?cid=hp:beastoriginalsL3
http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2010/03/22/tea-party-protesters-dispute-reports-slurs-spitting-dem-lawmakers/
http://tpmlivewire.talkingpointsmemo.com/2010/03/rep-nunes-on-epithets-when-you-use-totalitarian-tactics-people-act-crazy-video.php
http://chattahbox.com/us/2010/03/21/teapartiers-ignore-reality-seek-truth-from-beck-and-fox-news/
http://blogs.alternet.org/notsohumble/2010/03/22/racism-homophobia-dominates-tea-party-protest-over-health-care-bill/
http://blogs.alternet.org/speakeasy/2010/02/17/surprise-tea-partiers-mostly-rich-white-christian-guys/
http://www.truthout.org/racism-homophobia-dominates-tea-party-protest-over-health-care-bill57855
http://current.com/news/92337052_clyburn-racist-faxes-image-of-noose-were-sent-to-office.htm
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/25/health/policy/25health.html
http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2010/3/23/849747/-Rep.-Louise-Slaughters
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